I haven't been spending a lot of time in my apartment lately. I think that's mostly because I just don't want to be there right now. It's not because I'm sick of being alone, I just want to be out and doing things. It's way to often that I take things for granted, so with my freedom now while I have it, I think I should live it with everything I've got. I've been to two new places in the past two days. I went to a night club called Numbers and a pub bar called Flying Saucer. They were both really fun. Both really different. Two opposites on two different sides of town, it's a wonder how I can like both of them. But I liked both of them. I haven't gotten much sleep at all this weekend. But it's worth it. There will be plenty of time to sleep later, don't you think?

So, lots of things have changed. As they usually do. They always do. It makes me so...angry sometimes. It makes me so lonely and so proud all at the same time. When I see myself from the outside I know I'm balling my hand up into a fist and crying my eyes out at the same time on the inside. It's been showing in my drawings, too. Let me explain.

Everyone's moving right along. The guy that I was seeing over the holidays didn't last. As much as I wanted it to. I couldn't stand it anymore. He just wanted one thing. I couldn't be happy with that. Knowing that, even if he was there for me. I wanted more. Is it so horrible to want more? Sigh. It kind of hurts somewhere deep inside. It took me a while to bury it. Now that it's buried, it needs to stay that way. Please. Just way down deep inside, stuff it down. I let it spill out all over the place near the end of the holidays. I'm better now, as a person, as a whole, then when I was with him. But...it's only because I wanted more than what it was. That's the way I feel. That's what it is. I've accepted it. My heart has accepted it. It's aso closed up because of it. I can have fun with guys, but I can't be serious with any of them.

A lot of people are leaving my new store. I got transferred about four months ago and it's been a good experience overall. It's the reason I went to two new bars this weekend. Lol. Two of them have already left. A part of me wishes that they hadn't left, but at the same time, I know that it's what they needed to do. Another guy has an incredible opportunity in New York. That bastard. I've got another friend who's moving to New York this autumn. It's her home state. Then, my other friend is having a baby this fall. Everybody's doing their own thing. So, you see. Everybody's doing really well. I'm so proud, but I'm starting to become lonely. I don't want to be left behind, even though I'm proud of everybody. It's just that...I'm so much more selfish than people think I am. I want to move forward with you all. Don't leave me behind, guys. I want to come with you. Someone reach behind them and grab my hand, pull me forward with you. Pull me forward with you. And don't let go.

I've been doing a lot of sketches, but nothing serious. When was the last time I actually sat down and finished something? I have no idea. I wish I knew. Lol. I'll get around to scanning some stuff in eventually. I still haven't completely moved in. I need to get on that, but I need time first. And motivation. Not a whole lot of that, really. I still have pictures to hang up and I've been moved out for a few months. It's nice to have this freedom. I got a haircut too. It's pretty badass. I've noticed that ever since I got it, people have been on me more. They notice me more. It's kind of weird. Lol I have become more attractive because of it, and maybe a little more Asian, but still. Really? Lol. Why is our world so...? Plastic? I will never admit that a haircut gave me more confidence, because I've always been confident. Lately, my confidence has been overflowing. Sigh. I'm kind of tired of being stronger. I want to try to relax and follow. Have someone do everything for me. Everything they can. Someone not so afraid. Someone who'll take the first step. Someone who will...really, truly be there. That's not going to happen. Is it?

I've also found that in the past six months, I've just become really...bitter. I just have lost a lot of faith in people. I want to regain it. That'll take some mending. It's going to be interesting. You know? I'll do it though. I feel like I have to. Bring myself back up again. Ah...Lol. I'm speaking with an old friend. He's a good guy. Is it just me or are all guys dumb as door nails? Time for me to go. I need to actual relaxation time. Going to go home, read some manga. Sketch and stuff. It'll be fun. Relax. Thanks for reading again, guys. See ya.